Breaking News: Taylor Swift Loses Her Damn Mind!

Maybe I’m overreacting…yeah, that’s it!
I mean, it has to be a prank! Right? This can’t be real! This can’t be happening!

Even with all her musical success, there’s no way in hell that Taylor Swift would even come close to carrying enough receipts to qualify her to cover Earth, Wind, and Fire’s R&B funk classic September. It’s a hundred years too soon, Becky! She shoulda just stayed in her lane as the anti-Miley Cyrus with ongoing boy troubles and other privileged White girl issues of having too much wealth and fame with little to no talent.

But don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate TS. I hate her decision to cover an EWF up-tempo masterpiece that used to pack dance floors in the late 70’s with a parade of polyester bell bottoms and hot pants in the Soul Train line dance. It’s the kind of song your parents might say they danced to when they first met…if they happen to be Black. (Because wypipo really don’t dance to music. They just kind of move to it in an orderly fashion…or not.)

And I know there are legions of Taylor-can-do-no-wrong-Swifties out there who can’t understand the Twitter backlash. That TS has taken a timelessly popular dance song–a song that can still seduce old school fam at a backyard barbecue, or family reunion to cut a rug and do the Bump–by a legendary soul group and transformed it into an acoustical type of suicide note. And you can listen to all 17 seconds of the vocal assault here.

And I know what you’re saying, that if TS was Black that there would be no backlash. That when the late Whitney Houston remade, recreated, reinvented, repurposed, totally owned, took us to church, baptized us, made us into born-again-believers with her deeply soulful rendition of Dolly Parton’s I Will Always Love You that she was endlessly praised for doing so. Umm…that’s because Swift’s vocal “range”–ranging from nonexistent to something unheard of–cannot and should not be compared to legendary singers who actually have one.

Now apparently, EWF member Philip Bailey has given TS his blessing and I don’t have a problem with that. Because it’s a win-win for him so I’m not going to revoke his pass to Wakanda. Swift’s attempted whitewashing of September will have no effect on the original chart-topper and may even expand the group’s fan base for those who (God forbid) have not heard of the great Earth, Wind, and Fire. In the meantime, I’ll be looking forward to Rachel Dolezal’s acapella version of Jungle Boogie by Kool and the Gang done in blackface.