An Open Letter To DC

To whom it may concern (or to the crackhead with the $300-a-day-habit who decided to cast Ben Affleck as Batman),

DC‘s recent efforts–and by efforts I mean a severe lack thereof–to strike box office gold with underperforming movies that possess the super ability to cure insomnia seems more like a cry for help. And, yes, I understand that Wonder Woman (one exception) was an international blockbuster and deservedly so. But, you have to admit, WW was not a great movie. It’s true that Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman was great in the movie and rescued it under the skillful direction of Patty Jenkins from becoming another CGI snoozefest on a growing list in DC‘s Extended Universe. It’s also true that the Suicide Squad set the bar extremely low as I continue to mourn the two hours and three minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.

But the main reason I’m writing this letter to you, Pookie, is because I saw Marvel‘s latest offering the Avengers: Infinity War on Thursday night. Needless to say, the theater was sold out, as two white girls sitting to my left began to do the Wakandan shoulder bounce once King T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman) appeared on screen at which point my side-eye instinctively kicked in and immediately shut that hot mess down. One of them even apologized. What can I say? I’m still reeling from Taylor Swift’s frozen yogurt version of September.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is just when I thought Marvel had nowhere to go after the phenomenal, record-breaking success of Black Panther I suddenly realized that I was wrong. Marvel has an entire universe at its disposal and right now the sun is shining a lot brighter in their cinematic solar system.

Of course, DC also has their own cinematic universe but the planets seem to be out of alignment causing big budget disastrophes (I just made up that last word because calling a movie like Suicide Squad “bad” falsely assumes that it was trying to be “good”) and low morale even among the more loyal members of your fandom. We deserve better but please don’t beef like crips and bloods for our box office dollars. There’s no need for that kind of drama. Besides, I’m a blerd! I got much love for both DC and Marvel.

I mean, I grew up on a steady diet of comic books, Saturday morning cartoons, television shows, and movies where both DC and Marvel helped me to escape from a very strict and sheltered childhood into worlds with unlimited possibilities. Hell, I used to watch George Reeves as Superman back in the day when the show ran in syndication. It’s just that, right now, Marvel is better at making movies. And DC…well umm…cast Ben Affleck as Batman. Honestly, I would rather see a computer-generated version of the late Adam West reprise his campy TV role on the big screen as the Caped Crusader. Though that’s just my humble opinion. But my point is that I never had to choose between the two comic book giants.

So I’m calling you out, Pookie and DC. Perhaps, you need to start from scratch, go back to the old drawing board with the exception of Wonder Woman, of course. It’s like Jack Nicholson’s Joker quipped in Batman, “This town needs an enema!”

Respectfully,
The Future King Of Wakanda

PS I would easily win the waterfall challenge against King T’Challa once I removed my shirt causing endless retching among those in attendance.

PSS And instead of waking up on the Wakanda Ancestral Plane I’d wake up in a Bally’s gym at the beginning of a spin class.

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